Battle of the Sexes
Part 1
Battle of the Sexes
Part 2
Sex
Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45
seconds of foreplay. For the man, driving back to her place is
considered a part of foreplay.
Maturity
Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old
females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still
trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym
class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
Groceries
A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the
things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things.
A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only
items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and
a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping. A man buys everything
that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10 items or less lane.
Magazines
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Handwriting
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is
a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping
you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Comedy
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately,
the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and
even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge.
The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
Bathrooms
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving
cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday
Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these
items.
Going Out
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to
go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she
will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one
phone call and finishes putting on her makeup.
Cats
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,
and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes
in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will
put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them
off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair
of shoes for the entire day.
Leg Warmers
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear
them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he
is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A
Chorus Line.
Mirrors
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women
are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface, mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, or Joe Garagiola's
head.
Menopause
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.
The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her
girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call
the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in his house.
Battle of the Sexes
Part 2
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