Blind Date
55 Ways to get Rid of your Blind Date
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and
steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab
anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their
reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous"
for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your
date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't
know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with
your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very
well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you
are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your
date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any
live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more
from their plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full
and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it
being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the
head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different
part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date
finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took
you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table
next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from
their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere.
Keep bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from
the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all
exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act
nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt
and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e
anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter
brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and
ask the waiter for the potato you "never got".
When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have
the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the
meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get
it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their
words around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber
language, or just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return
to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back
of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing
out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing
on the menu. Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get
up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're
taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because
it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table.
Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking
advantage of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces.
In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything
on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if
any) to pay the bill.
53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought
along.
55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get
ill.
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