Gender Wars
Part 2
Battle
Of The Sexes Part 1
Low Blows
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match
on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow.
The woman says, "Oh gee, that must hurt." The
man doubles over and actually feels the pain.
Directions
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for
directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.
Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive
in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like,
"Looks like I've found a new way to get there."
and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize
that White Hen store."
Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who
admitted he as wrong was General George Custer.
(Read Related : Difficult
Women)
Richard Gere
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous
way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that
slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married
women.
Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the
mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Nicknames
With the exception of female body builders, who call each
other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big
Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria,
Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski,
they will affectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head,
Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the
age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their
obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become
more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys:
little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders.
Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command.
Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires atleast
6 "D" batteries to operate.
(Read Related : Difference
Between Men and Women)
Plants
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or
six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one
knows why this happens.
Mustaches
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck
and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with
mustaches.
Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell
out $4000 for stateof the art equipment, and build
dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase
Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking
better pictures.
Locker Rooms
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
and women, They exaggerate about money, they don't know
football nearly as well as they think they do, and they
fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing
in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either.
They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never
lie.
Laundry
Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear
every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical
pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before
he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul
and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat.
Men always expect to met beautiful women at the Laundromat,
but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love
American Style.
Politics
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political
things such as voting. Women are very happy that another
generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics
because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on
election night.
Weddings
When reminiscing about weddings women talk about "the
ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."
Cheerleaders
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
Garages
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates
in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build
useless lopsided benches in garages.
Movies
For women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable
kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the
Wind. For men it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in
May Clark's face in Public Enemy.
Nudity in Movies
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies
has been produced by aman. The only actor who has ever appeared
nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason
why men hate him.
Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with
wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will
look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Battle Of The Sexes
(Part 1)
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